Session 8: Effective Feedback 1

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You can listen to Pam’s presentation of the session by clicking on play below. 

 

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The Challenge of Feedback

It is through feedback that we learn, so why do so many people dread it? We are accustomed to being competent adults. We want to “do it right” the first time. Anything less we brand as disappointing or failure, and failure we tend to believe is bad.

Feedback is most valuable when it can be heard in such a way that we can take it on board. We can use feedback to increase our understanding of the impact we have so that we can change our way of behaving and move forward.

The challenge for the person delivering the feedback is to offer it so that it can be heard. This sounds easy enough, but for many of us, our initial response to feedback is to become defensive. Often we will try to deflect the feedback in an attempt to protect ourselves. However, when we do this we are not really hearing the feedback, and we are not likely to use it to implement changes.

A successful feedback system depends on both the person giving and the person receiving the feedback.

Giving feedback is exactly what you do when you are a coach and you will serve your clients best if you are clear, simple and honest.

This does not mean that you need to be harsh or brutal – you want your feedback to be heard. Gauge your client’s response and use softer language if you detect that your client is becoming defensive.

Most importantly think about how you can coach as you give feedback, rather than giving advice or stepping into the space of “ I would have done it this way”

You can listen to a Group Discussion about Negative and Positive Feedback experiences by clicking on play below.

Negative Feedback mp3

 

Positive Feedback mp3

AssignmentRed

Please ensure that you have read Pages 54 and have listened to the MP3 recording before completing the following exercises. Please then post your completed work in the Comment box at the bottom of this page. We recommend that you complete your work in a Word Document so that you have your own copy. Thank you!

Exercise 1

Think of someone who is terrible at giving Feedback

Give an example of them doing so.

Now answer the following questions:

  • What is wrong with the way they do it?
  • What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap?
  • What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?

 Exercise 2

Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.

Give an example of each doing so.

 Model One:

 Model Two:

 Now list the three most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it.

 Model One

1)

 

2)

 

3)

 

Model Two

1)

 

2)

 

3)

 

Exercise 3

Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions

  • How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 in comparison to these two people?
  • What do you need to do to raise your score?
  • So, what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score?

 

15 Comments

  1. Session 8: Effective Feedback (1) / Assignment
    Please ensure that you have read Page 54 and have listened to the MP3 recording
    before completing the following exercises:
    Exercise 1
    Think of someone who is terrible at giving Feedback
    Give an example of them doing so.
    There is someone I know who always tends to criticise their peers regardless of the topic and never seems open enough to actually listen
    Now answer the following questions:
    • What is wrong with the way they do it?
    They don’t listen, they wait to talk. They already know that what they have to say is more valuable than anything you are about to say. They ask questions like ; Why did you do that? (in a negative tone) or leading negative questions like ‘that was pretty stupid wasn’t it?’
    • What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into
    that trap?
    I always start with a positive and end on one
    I don’t use negative tones or inclinations
    I listen carefully and empathise
    • What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?
    Remain positive
    Remain non-judgmental
    To listen carefully and not push their thoughts or experiences down someone elses throat

    Exercise 2
    Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.
    Give an example of each doing so.
    Model One:
    MC – is always so very positive and listens thoroughly. Asks great questions

    Model Two:
    PL – always offers sound advice and is a strength to draw from
    Now list the three most important things they do which result in others
    being able to hear what they say and use it.
    Model One
    1) empathises
    2) listens and offers solutions
    3) guides and remains open. Nothing sounds stupid or silly to them
    Model Two
    1) empathises and expresses interest throughout
    2) offers valuable advice from past experiences
    3) supports and encourages
    Exercise 3
    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions
    • How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 in comparison to these two
    people?
    7
    • What do you need to do to raise your score?
    More experience and exposure to 1-2-1 client meetings
    • So, what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score?
    Build up a larger client base

  2. Exercise 1

    Think of someone who is terrible at giving Feedback

    Give an example of them doing so.

    My sister (as much as I love her) is awful at giving feedback. Her idea of doing so usually turns into her belittling you about your bad choice and telling you how much better and more intelligently she would of carried out a task.

    Now answer the following questions:

     What is wrong with the way they do it?

    She is never unbiased in her response and usually uses herself as a comparison. When you are asking her advice or general questions on a topic she is more informed in she will usually make you feel rather stupid and a little attacked, unintentionally so but still.

     What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap?

    Firstly to remember everyone has their own talents and list of topics they have studied or have knowledge in and to respect that. Secondly, to never become hostile with the client and thirdly to never compare myself to the client, especially where I come out of the situation superior.

     What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?

    To remain calm, humble and unbiased.

    Exercise 2

    Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.

    Give an example of each doing so.

    Model One: My mother.

    Model Two: My brother.

    Now list the three most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it.

    Model One

    1) She never becomes hostile.

    2) Her feedback always seems to come from a place where you know she has the best intentions.

    3) She does not belittle you for your lack of knowledge and is more than happy to share hers with you.

    Model Two

    1) He is firm in his resolutions. You know he is confident in what he is telling you.

    2) He does not try to force you to see his idea but rather convince you.

    3) He remains calm.

    Exercise 3

    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions

     How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 in comparison to these two people?

    I would rate myself at a six.

     What do you need to do to raise your score?

    I need to become more confident in the feedback I am giving.

     So, what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score?

    To learn to trust my own intuition more.

  3. Session 8;
    1
    What u did is ok but I cannot even imagine myself to do that this way. I would Have done it completely opposite.
    What is wrong with what they doing?
    Its not honest
    There are two contradictory messages
    Its harsh would be not taken well by the client
    What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap?
    Try to avoid using ‘i would do it differently..’
    Try not to hide the true opinion and say it loud
    Try not to be so harsh
    What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?
    Be more constractive
    Be more precise
    Be honest
    Ex 2
    Model one
    The way u decorate the table is really beautiful. There is only small mistake, u need to put the tea spoons above the plates. the rest looks very impressive. I am sure dad will be happy.
    Model 2
    What u said to her was very brave. Just maybe the time was not the best as she was occupied with her work and did not listen to u properly. But still great that someone finally told her true about her attitude.
    Model one
    Positive statement at the beginning
    Constructive and clear feedback
    Positive statement at the end
    Ex 3
    How would u rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 in comparison to these two people?
    6
    What do u need to do to rise your score?
    Sometimes i say just a good feedback because i am not sure how negative feedback will be taken.
    I should be clearer when giving the feedback and not to forget to say a positive statement in the end as well.
    So what is the next step for u in order to be able to rise your score?
    I will try to be more aware when giving feedback, and i will try to practice at work to see the reaction. I will try to investigate the topic a bit more in depth.

  4. exercise 1 My example of someone who gives terrible feedback is my sister in law. Whatever anyone says she always turns the conversation back to herself. I would want to avoid interrupting and not listening to the other person and avoid talking about myself. For her to be better at giving feedback she could listen, allow person to finish speaking and empathise.

    exercise 2

    Model 1. My boss, head teacher is really good at giving feedback. In performance review meetings with staff, she listens well to any concerns, she tells staff what they need to improve on and then praises what they do well.

    Model 2. Class teacher. Working in a school there is much emphasis on effective feedback. Particular class teacher uses two stars and a wish where two stars are two forms are praise and a wish is what she wishes could be improved on.

    Both models firstly pay attention and listen, point out what needs improving and then praise what is good.

    I would rate myself as 8 or 9 as we have all been trained in giving positive feedback and we all work on the same principle. Sometimes when pushed for time it is easy to forget to give feedback. I could strive to ensure consistency.

  5. 8. effective feed back

    it was a lesson in selling, my father response to my pitch was dreadful he criticised my approach making statements such as i can’t believe you did this,you should have done this , you did not use your brains , what’s wrong with you, your hopless ,

    What is wrong with the way they do it?
    What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap?
    What three things would most enable them to give better feedbac
    1, he criticised me was putting me down ,i just switched off and became angry,
    2,i would never directly criticise, i would keep my body language open ,,i would remain calm
    3,ask questions rather than making statements ,reassure me, emphasize ,rather than criticise,
    2,Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.,

    1, he built me up by saying encouraging things ,id tried, well done, lets explore this way,
    2,encouraging me to try this way and see how this feels , what do you think or feel would get better results,,reminding me practice makes perfect ,

    Now list the three most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it
    1, they listen,
    2,they relate ,emphasise with the person,
    3, encouragement, .
    1, feeling trust
    2,exploring new ways, of trying,
    3 being reminded all things take time , motivation,

    3,i would use my body language , voice ,listen ,use in powering statements, with emotion ,create trust its never about doing wrong, but more about becoming more efficient, creating awareness in one’s self, i would rate myself 8, and need more practice, create the skill of intuition and go at the person’s pace,

  6. Exercise 1 –

    The person I am thinking of that gives poor constructive criticism and feedback has poor body language, communication and vocabulary skills.

    1) This person shows a lack of eye contact and over uses the word “You and should” which can be taken in an accusing manner. The person also displays a fake sympathetic voice which is not only condescending but is very irritating to anyone in receipt of feedback.

    2) I would like to avoid accusing words and phrases and be conscious of words used when providing criticism, to have an approachable and friendly body language and to be able to constructively allow the receiver to want to better themselves and learn from a negative experience with a positive way.

    3) I believe the person with poor body language, communication and vocabulary skills needs to be aware of how they present themselves to the external world such as tone of voice and the words they use and are accustomed to using when expressing constructive criticism.

    Exercise 2 –

    Model 1 – The person I have chosen as role model 1 was a manager I had in my previous career. Her technique was to make and hold eye contact while maintaining an open body language. Her tone was neutral and calm so when she provided constructive feedback whether negative or positive, which always came across with confidence ,optimism and engaging. She spoke with confidence and optimism which was inspiring and influential and automatically had buy in from most people. She didn’t like explanations when something negative occurred but asked instead what can be done to prevent such things in future and put that emphasis back to the receiver to explore.

    Model 2 – The person I have chosen as role model 2 was a former team leader in a previous role I had in another Company. Her technique was to be optimistic and positive when providing constructive feedback. She would not focus too much on the negatives but more on personal development and exploring what could benefit an individual in the long term. When she provided negative feedback she was overly nice but firm and always looked for an opportunity to improve an individual’s development which was reassuring.

    Model 1 – 1) Body language, 2) optimistic words, 3) influencing words

    Model 2 – 1) Optimistic words, 2) personal development, 3) positivity

    Exercise 3 – I would rate myself as 7 in comparison to these two people. I feel I need to focus less on the negative aspect and more on the confidence building and listening more in order to enhance an individual’s personal development.

    I need to practise listening in order to gauge an individual’s engagement in the conversation to be able to best support them enhancing their personal development.

  7. Exercise 1

    Think of someone who is terrible at giving Feedback

    My brother isn’t very good at giving feedback

    Give an example of them doing so.

    When I bought a second hand car for a very good price, he said “ are you sure you weren’t ripped off , you should have let me check it out.”

    Now answer the following questions:

    What is wrong with the way they do it?
    Rather than complementing and saying well done , he nit picks and suggests that maybe it wasn’t such a great decision . Hes not gracious
    What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap?
    Rushing and speaking without thinking
    Focusing on the negative rather than the positive
    Not thinking I know best

    What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?

    Being generous and keeping his opinions to himself
    Being supportive
    Asking constructive questions to allow me to think for myself

    Exercise 2

    Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.

    My sister in law
    My friend Bernadette

    Give an example of each doing so.

    Model One:
    She always complements me even if I don’t think I look nice she will always say something positive , she sees the best in people

    Model Two:
    She encouraged me to apply for a course and to study by pointing out that I am already doing similar work and that I would be able for the studying and assigments

    Now list the three most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it.

    Model One

    1) Always starts with a positive statement
    2) Gives personal examples
    3) Never undermines

    Model Two
    1) Asks how I am
    2) Listens intently
    3) encourages

    Exercise 3

    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions

    How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 in comparison to these two people?
    I would say I am a 5 compared to these two people
    What do you need to do to raise your score?
    While I do listen , I think I tend to be too opinionated , I need to be more positive and supportive
    So, what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score?
    Listen , before speaking and take a breath before speaking and remember to be encouraging and supportive of persons’ decision and ideas.

  8. Session 8
    Exercise 1
    Terrible feedback- this person comes across as the expert, they know best, without really listening or fully understanding the situation..they jump in with both feet, talking loudly, using lots of hand gestures even finger pointing towards my face , would appear slightly aggressive due to their tone of voice & body language , keeps repeating their point of view, & walks away or changes the subject before I have a chance to reply , challenge or agree.. Leaving me feeling mis understood , angry, frustrated, disappointed , and certain how I’ll avoid asking them again for feedback ..

    What was wrong
    1- condescending
    2-patronising
    3 poor non verbals

    I wouldn’t want to become -:
    1- A poor listener
    2-Talking over a client
    3- Increased volume when talking -sounding aggressive

    What 3 things would of enabled them
    1- removal of barriers non verbals & physical environment
    2- active listening
    3- turn taking through the conversation not over talking

    Exercise 2
    Two role models who know how to give feedback
    Model one my work manager-:
    Provides an open door policy to “bounce” ideas/ concerns off , she is approachable , genuinely interested in the situation up for discussion , she’s a great active listener , using appropriate body language to clarify she’s understood what I’m discussing – and creates a silence so you know she’s thinking before offering her feedback , which is softly delivered yet direct & to the point .. Without making you feel she’s talks around the subject before getting to the conclusion needed…

    Model two-yoga tutor
    She would regularly paraphrase through the discussion so you would know she understood what I was asking or sharing with her, she removed all barriers & used appropriate body language eg eye contact , gentle head nodding , soft touch if required. Making me feel safe & secure as she shared in a constructive way feedback from her yoga teachings as I was her teacher trainee . She had a lovely tone of voice yet honestly shared areas of practice that needed developed as well as what was going really well . There was a feeling of trust & mutual respect ..

    list 3 things model one does well
    1- active listener
    2- clarifys what’s she’s saying
    3- honest & conductive when delivering feedback

    Model two
    1- excellent non verbals
    2- summarises conversation so you know you’ve both clearly understood the feedback
    3- creates a warm , inviting safe environment

    Exercise 3
    My score for giving feedback out of 10 would be 7
    I feel I can sometimes jump in too quickly to offer feedback , without fully hearing the situation . I would tend to do this with my children , husband & family – but within my social work role having over 30years experience in this area I’d like to think I’m competent in this area …. So within my private world I maybe need to practice what I preach in my professional role ..

  9. Exercise 1

    My partner is not very good at giving feedback on things he thinks I can improve or what I’ve done wrong.

    What was wrong
    1- use of the word ” you” a lot – “you did this” and a lot of assumptions “I know you think ….”
    2- more his opinion than constructive feedback (or it feels like it!)
    3 – accusatory and defensive

    I wouldn’t want to become -:
    1-somebody who makes assumptions on how the other person feels and thinks
    2-sombody who just simple gives my opinion without thought about it being kind and constructive
    3.emotional when giving feedback

    What 3 things would of enabled them
    1-Ask what I was thinking/feeling and not make assumptions
    2-Don’t just accuse and instead make positive suggestions for improvement which are not just based on your own opinion
    3-Come from a positive place

    Exercise 2
    My mum!
    1. Great listener
    2. Non judgemental and kind
    3. You feel like she has your best interests at heart and she in on your side and want you to be the best you.

    Louise a Trainer I had for my Training Delivery TAP Course
    1. Again non judgemental and kind
    2. Very calm and patient
    3. Started with a positive and also ended with a positive.

    I would rate myself as 7 out of 10 as I try to start and end and stress the positive. I think I can improve upon being totally honest as at times I tend to hold back on the full truth and not want to hurt feelings. I am by nature a patient person and a good listener but have jumped to conclusions before (only human!) so really need to step back from a situation and see it from a neutral standpoint at all times.

  10. My old boss was awful at giving feedback.
    He always skirted around the real issue so no one was ever sure what he was getting at. He would then get very critical and everyone left feeling very demoralised and fed up.
    What 3 things would I want to avoid doing:
    1. Speaking down to the other person.
    2. Only give criticisms and not positive comments
    3. Telling people what to do instead of helping them to make their own decisions.
    3 things to enable them to give better feedback:
    1. Give the other person the chance to speak.
    2. Give them some ‘what went wells’ as well as ‘even better ifs’.
    3. Speak to them as an equal and not with superiority.
    2 people who give good feedback are:
    Our coaching tutor at work
    My friend who is a councillor
    Three things they do are:
    1. My friend always uses questioning so that I can come up with sollutions myself.
    2. She is very calm and non judgemental.
    3. She is vey supportive and will always endeavour not force her views on me.
    At work:
    1. We are taught to use specific language which does not criticise.
    2. At school we always give 2 what went wells and one even better if, but always begin and end on a what went well.
    3. We are told not to speak at a person but to be calm and listen.
    My score for giving feedback would be an 8.
    I use our prescribed coaching techniques, as working in a secondary school with older teenage boys, we must be very tactful when giving feedback as the students could get very demoralised. Particularly when approaching GCSE’s.

  11. SESSION 8
    EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK

    Exercise 1.

    Think of someone you know who is terrible at giving feedback, give an example of them doing so.

    One person I know who loves to give feedback whether they are asked for it or not, always focuses on what they don’t like, didn’t think was appropriate etc,

    • What is wrong with the way they do it?
    They don’t listen and make the assumption that they are always right. It’s their way or the highway.
    They say things like,’ I wouldn’t have said that’, ‘It would be much better if you said it my way’, ‘That was stupid’.

    • What three things would you want to avoid doing, not to fall into that trap?
    When giving feedback I always start with a positive comment as it opens up the process of good communication
    I listen and paraphrase
    Stay objective and don’t use negative inclinations

    • What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?
    Listen to the feedback rather than simply rejecting or arguing with it
    Avoid jumping to conclusions or becoming defensive
    Learn to be objective and appreciate that their way may not always be the right way

    Exercise 2
    Two role models who know how to give feedback and how they do so

    Person 1 – Uses active listening, keeps feedback specific, gives informed advice, leaves the person with choice,
    Person 2 – Starts positive, empathises, asks very relevant questions, uses open body language and offers alternatives

    Exercise 3
    My style compared to theirs – rating myself for 1-10 in comparison to their style of giving feedback
    Rate – 8
    To raise my score, I need to paraphrase more, be more specific with the feedback and remember to end positively
    The next step in order for me to raise my score is, make a conscious decision to include these points going forward

  12. Exercise 1
    Think of someone who is terrible at giving Feedback
    A Manager I used to have. Feedback was very aggressive and unhelpful. She would always give first hand experiences of how she did things better.
    Now answer the following questions:
    • What is wrong with the way they do it?- It was aggressive, arrogant, unhelpful, upsetting.
    • What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap? -Put the person first, listen to what they are saying, never use own examples to try and improve person.
    • What three things would most enable them to give better feedback? – Listen to what the other person is saying or not saying, provide opportunity to explore reasons around feedback.
    Exercise 2
    Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.
    Give an example of each doing so.
    Model One: colleague.
    Model Two: mother.
    Now list the three most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it.
    Model One
    1) Are willing to listen

    2) Promote positivity

    3) Encouragement.

    Model Two
    1) Un bias

    2) empathic

    3) understanding

    Exercise 3
    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions
    • How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 in comparison to these two people? 8
    • What do you need to do to raise your score? Possibly promote more positivity . I can be quite negative depending on situation.
    • So, what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score? Look for positives rather than negatives.

  13. Session 8 – Effective Feedback 1

    Exercise 1

    Think of someone who is terrible at giving feedback and give an example of them giving terrible feedback.
    Following an observation at work 3 weeks ago I am still waiting for my feedback appointment. I know that I have already forgotten most of what happened in the observed session so when my manager gets back to me with the feedback it will be relatively meaningless.
    1. What is wrong with it? It needs to be delivered as soon as possible and certainly within a reasonable time to be most effective.
    2. What 3 things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap? Delay feedback, leave the other person “hanging” with no appointment booked or time scale for delivery of feedback, appear uninterested and inconsiderate potentially causing unnecessary anxiety and leaving the other person feeling unvalued.
    3. What 3 things would most enable them to give better feedback. If a full-blown appointment to discuss detailed feedback is going to take some time to arrange then it’s important to reassure the other person at that moment in time by ending on a positive note. Make the interaction meaningful and think carefully of something to give them to take away that could really make a difference for them. Ensure the other person feels valued.

    Exercise 2

    Think of 2 role models of people who know how to give feedback; give an example of each doing so.
    Model 1 JE really listens to what I say. She pays attention to the key details and offers good advice. She appears interested in me and what I have to say and follows up a few days later with a “How’s it going?”.
    Model 2 SP is always interested in what I say. She has excellent listening skills with eye contact and body language to match. She listens without butting in or interrupting. She always looks on the bright side and can turn a negative into a positive.

    List the 3 most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it.
    Model 1 – Good listening, honest and precise, supportive and encouraging.
    Model 2 – Excellent listening skills, chooses her words carefully, remains positive.

    Exercise 3

    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 in comparison to these 2 people? I work in a primary school and I give feedback to children on their work all the time. Although I consider myself to be relatively good at giving feedback and rate myself an 8, I am always learning and improving.
    What do you need to do to raise your score? Make more time to pass on a meaningful suggestion to encourage more independence.
    So what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score? Commit to doing this tomorrow.

  14. NLP For Coaching: Assignment 8

    Exercise 1
    Think of someone who is terrible at giving Feedback:
    A person who gave me feedback on my performance at an internal assessment centre did so in a very cold way. He asked me to a meeting and told me that I had been questioning and unsupportive of the process, which was simply not true. My only experience of him had been at an interview as part of the assessment centre and he had no prior knowledge of me. He gave no positive feedback at all and said that I had been placed in a role – one that I was over qualified for.
    • What is wrong with the way they do it?
    It was hard and robotic, straight to the points, all negatively stated, even a positive (the fact I had a job) came across as a negative through tone and body language.
    • What three things would you want to avoid doing so that you would not fall into that trap?
    1. Being cold in tone and body language
    2. Talking about opinion as if it were fact
    3. Not appreciating anything about the individual
    • What three things would most enable them to give better feedback?
    1. Try to connect or come from a place of caring
    2. Talk about the perception rather than talk of something as fact when it is an opinion
    3. Listen to the individual – offer them a chance to speak

    Exercise 2
    Think of two role models of people who know how to give feedback.
    Model One:
    An ex-boss was always very smooth in giving feedback. She had a good rapport with me and I always sensed she came from a place of wanting to help me improve rather than telling me what I had done wrong. She would listen to my perspective and then give me hers, using examples from direct experience. She would always ask me how I might do things differently and give me some suggestions if needed. On reflection, her style was quite structured, and always genuine. She always asked me for feedback as well, and told me she received feedback as a gift.
    Model Two:
    In coaching practice one of my colleagues asked if I would like feedback. She was warm in her tone and body language. She first highlighted some things that I did well, including establishing rapport and then asked me how else I could have helped her think through the problem. We discussed a few ideas. We had a bit of a joke about the creative mentors technique we used and she said she found it really useful. Towards the end of the feedback she summarized what she thought I should do more and less of in future.

    Now list the three most important things they do which result in others being able to hear what they say and use it.
    Model One
    1) Ask how the person felt/thought something went first.
    2) Balance the feedback so that it’s not all a negative story.
    3) Focus on what the person could do differently next time, rather than what you did wrong. Encouraging.

    Model Two
    1) Get the timing right – either judge if you know the person well enough or ask.
    2) Sense of humour (if appropriate)
    3) Empathise/connect

    Exercise 3
    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions
    • How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 in comparison to these two people?
    In a professional setting I would rate myself as an 8 in comparison to the role models, as I usually have some time to prepare. In my personal life I would rate myself as a 6.
    • What do you need to do to raise your score?
    – In the professional setting, I need to think more carefully about the timing of feedback as in the past I haven’t caught the person at the right time – they have been rushed or not in a calm frame of mind.
    – My score is lower in a personal setting because it is usually more difficult to control my emotions. I could try taking a little more time before giving feedback, thinking things through as well as placing myself in the third person so as to be more objective. I could also inject some humour where appropriate.
    • So, what is the next step for you in order to be able to raise your score?
    – Practise with a colleague.

  15. Session 8
    Exercise 1
    I once had a HR manager who was terrible at giving feedback I had an interview with them and when I failed I asked to see him in order to get some feedback of my interview. We met and he just blurted out `you didn’t show resilience’. He said no more and walked away. I was flabbergasted.
    His feedback was very harsh and quite judgemental
    He was quite defensive so could not look me in the face, his voice was quite stern and body language negative, he did not give an explanation. I would avoid doing any of these things when giving feedback
    I would have preferred him speaking to me in a quiet place on our own, give me the feedback by explaining why he is giving it to me, use a placid tone.
    Exercise 2
    Model 1
    A manager used to ask how things were and depending on my response she would suggest I write down concerns make a date to sit and discuss it.
    The three important things my Manage does is to
    Find an appropriate time to meet with me. Give me full attention
    Listen attentively asking questions where she isn’t clear and make sure I understand that they are helping me to be a better person not ridiculing me. I would receive the feedback with an opportunity to revisit it again if I need to.
    Model 2
    A friend of mine who always say she doesn’t fully understand my experience but would say the most profound things that makes me feel I’ve been heard and respected.
    My friend is very good at listening to me she will listen while I talk, give examples of similar experience, encourage me then give feedback to what we are discussing. She will tell me what she would do about situations but explain that we are different so understand why I react or respond the way I do.
    Exercise 3
    Now compare your style with theirs and answer the following questions
    a) I would rate my feedback at 6-8.
    b) I need to take time to listen and digest what is being said to me and understand it well, use more empathy, and be congruent.
    c) My next step is to be more open to others giving them time and space to talk with me

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